Don't Be Mad Mommy
"Don't be mad Mommy..." The first time he said it I began to cry almost instantly. It broke my heart. Yes, Little Man calls me Mommy. But it wasn't that that got to me...it was the look on his face.
As I sat down at his feet to change his pull-up which he had pooped in probably for the 3rd time that morning, I was frustrated and was doing everything to make sure that he didn't see it. But was I mad...no. Little Man knew better...he was potty trained and regressed back to pull-ups...he knew he was supposed to poop in the toilet. But how could I be mad...not to mention it was only his first full day with me when this happened. (Side note - pray for us! We are potty training and are down to one accident a day!!)
The reality is...yes I do get mad...and it happens often. When he chooses not to listen for the 5th time in a row. Or when he hits me or kicks me. Or when he runs around the apartment screaming and laughing when he is in trouble... there are many MANY times when I have gotten mad. But the other day in confession the priest said something to me that made me think a lot. He said, "For all the bad things that you have done there are more good. You just have to find them." He challenged me to look back and find the things I was doing right. Not just with Little Man but throughout my day. Up until that point I had equated me getting mad with me doing something wrong...that I wasn't good enough to be a foster parent.
I can't tell you the number of times this past two months that I have wanted to give up. Telling myself that I can't do this and I am just not cut out to be a foster parent...a single one at that. Almost every time that this happened, it was because he made me mad. It could be something little or it could be something big. Whatever it was it made me think that I was doing something wrong because I was mad or upset.
But I had to start seeing what I was doing right with Little Man. I don't know his entire story and I never will. Even once he leaves my house I don't know that we will cross paths again. I don't even know if he will remember me...he is only 4. But this kid has gone through so much. So the little things like changing his pull-up for the 10th time in one day and just telling him that I hope he will try the toilet next time...or reading books with him before bed when I really don't want to...or sitting at the dinner table with him as he continuously asks "why?" to anything he can. It's the little things.
Little Man's Case Worker and I spoke awhile back about how he was doing. And although it is hard to explain how he is doing I did the best I could. But she told me that Little Man's Birth Parents would like me to redirect him and have him call me something other than Mom... which I completely understand...except the fact that I have tried. After his visitation, I asked him if he wanted to call me "Momma Jennifer" and he immediately repeated what his birth mom had told him that morning. "You are Jennifer, a friend not mom." And while this is true it was hard to hear him repeat exactly what she had said. The weeks after that day have been interesting. Every once in a while, Little Man will just look at me and smile and say "I wanna call you Mommy." "Ok bud. That's ok."
As I sat down at his feet to change his pull-up which he had pooped in probably for the 3rd time that morning, I was frustrated and was doing everything to make sure that he didn't see it. But was I mad...no. Little Man knew better...he was potty trained and regressed back to pull-ups...he knew he was supposed to poop in the toilet. But how could I be mad...not to mention it was only his first full day with me when this happened. (Side note - pray for us! We are potty training and are down to one accident a day!!)
The reality is...yes I do get mad...and it happens often. When he chooses not to listen for the 5th time in a row. Or when he hits me or kicks me. Or when he runs around the apartment screaming and laughing when he is in trouble... there are many MANY times when I have gotten mad. But the other day in confession the priest said something to me that made me think a lot. He said, "For all the bad things that you have done there are more good. You just have to find them." He challenged me to look back and find the things I was doing right. Not just with Little Man but throughout my day. Up until that point I had equated me getting mad with me doing something wrong...that I wasn't good enough to be a foster parent.
I can't tell you the number of times this past two months that I have wanted to give up. Telling myself that I can't do this and I am just not cut out to be a foster parent...a single one at that. Almost every time that this happened, it was because he made me mad. It could be something little or it could be something big. Whatever it was it made me think that I was doing something wrong because I was mad or upset.
But I had to start seeing what I was doing right with Little Man. I don't know his entire story and I never will. Even once he leaves my house I don't know that we will cross paths again. I don't even know if he will remember me...he is only 4. But this kid has gone through so much. So the little things like changing his pull-up for the 10th time in one day and just telling him that I hope he will try the toilet next time...or reading books with him before bed when I really don't want to...or sitting at the dinner table with him as he continuously asks "why?" to anything he can. It's the little things.
Little Man's Case Worker and I spoke awhile back about how he was doing. And although it is hard to explain how he is doing I did the best I could. But she told me that Little Man's Birth Parents would like me to redirect him and have him call me something other than Mom... which I completely understand...except the fact that I have tried. After his visitation, I asked him if he wanted to call me "Momma Jennifer" and he immediately repeated what his birth mom had told him that morning. "You are Jennifer, a friend not mom." And while this is true it was hard to hear him repeat exactly what she had said. The weeks after that day have been interesting. Every once in a while, Little Man will just look at me and smile and say "I wanna call you Mommy." "Ok bud. That's ok."
This is why I still adore you! Hang in there, potty training will definitely try your patience.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! Love this story and love you! Many more blessings in the new year!
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