Whirlwind of a Week...
I knew that Little Man wouldn't be with me forever, and I don't think I really wanted him to be with me that long. But I had no idea he would impact my life the way he did. The week leading up to him going back to live with his parents I had so many emotions.
I was ecstatic...I had watched his parents grow so much. They had gone from barely even making eye contact with me to talking to me each week about life and giving me a hug whenever I saw them. It was truly a beautiful thing to witness.
I was terrified... How could Little Man go home? What would come next for him? Will he even remember me? Will his parents allow me to continue to be in his life? How was I going to do with a quiet house?
I was nervous...I had been called Mom by this kid for 4 months....what would he call me when he saw me next...if he saw me again...
All the feelings and emotions stirred in my heart daily, often times not knowing what to do when one came up. I struggled to concentrate on anything and to be truly present to my own life.
Then the phone rang. One of my favorite caseworkers called me. She had done my training and I had really gotten to know her. She called me to see if I could take these 2 girls who were sisters, 3 and 9. She told me some of their story, some of their intense trauma. We talked for a while, but ultimately I had to say no. There was no way that I could take these girls in with Little Man leaving soon and it had to be that day. I had to say no.
The day went on as normal. I decided to take Little Man to the event with me that night because I knew my students would want to see him before he left. I asked my coworker to come watch him so I could go to Adoration for a few minutes. The minute I knelt in front of Jesus my heart sank. While I wanted to pray for Little Man and the transition, all I could think about was the two girls. I knelt there for a few minutes, simply heart broken. These girls had been through so much. They deserved to be loved. Tears flowed down my face and I knew I needed to see if they found a placement.
I spent the next 2 hours on and off, talking with the caseworker, my mentor, and some of my friends, trying to decide what to do. These girls are going to be in foster care for a while....could I handle being a single parent to two kids and working a full-time job? I had about 12 hours to pray about it and really consider what I wanted to do. There was no one else that was even considering taking these girls in.
Time came the next day to give the caseworker an answer and I couldn't. It broke my heart that I didn't know what I was being called to do. I was telling the caseworker that and she could tell I was struggling. At one point during our conversation I was moved to tears....when she realized it she simply said, "Can I pray with you?" So she did. It was so powerful. I had to pull my car over and park because everything she was praying touched my heart.
In the end we came up with a plan - I would take the girls for two weeks and see how that goes. If it was to much there is another foster family that will take them, but they couldn't until then because they were out of the country.
18 hours after Little Man returned home I picked up the girls. Wow life was going to be so different. I had to figure out how I was going to get everyone to school, daycare, visitations, etc. All while working and having to cook dinner each night.
The girls have now been with me for a week and I am pretty sure I have averaged about 3-4 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted...mentally, physically, and emotionally. It didn't take me long to realize that I needed to be honest with myself and the caseworker. I could not be the long term placement.
While the caseworker completely understood, it was one of the hardest things I have had to admit in this process. I felt like a failure. I do truly care for these girls and they have definitely become used to me, but I know that I cannot give them all that they need.
This week, I will get to have the hard conversations with the girls and help them transition to the other house...I am praying this goes smoothly...
Foster care is not for everyone, I knew that I couldn't say yes to every phone call. And I knew that sometimes it wouldn't work out...but I know for a fact that God has called me to this. I know that. I know that I have an amazing support system who has helped me, held me while I cried, given me clothes and toys, and been there for me. I know that the next kid that comes in to my house will be a gift. I don't know when it will happen but until then I am going to rest.
I was ecstatic...I had watched his parents grow so much. They had gone from barely even making eye contact with me to talking to me each week about life and giving me a hug whenever I saw them. It was truly a beautiful thing to witness.
I was terrified... How could Little Man go home? What would come next for him? Will he even remember me? Will his parents allow me to continue to be in his life? How was I going to do with a quiet house?
I was nervous...I had been called Mom by this kid for 4 months....what would he call me when he saw me next...if he saw me again...
All the feelings and emotions stirred in my heart daily, often times not knowing what to do when one came up. I struggled to concentrate on anything and to be truly present to my own life.
Then the phone rang. One of my favorite caseworkers called me. She had done my training and I had really gotten to know her. She called me to see if I could take these 2 girls who were sisters, 3 and 9. She told me some of their story, some of their intense trauma. We talked for a while, but ultimately I had to say no. There was no way that I could take these girls in with Little Man leaving soon and it had to be that day. I had to say no.
The day went on as normal. I decided to take Little Man to the event with me that night because I knew my students would want to see him before he left. I asked my coworker to come watch him so I could go to Adoration for a few minutes. The minute I knelt in front of Jesus my heart sank. While I wanted to pray for Little Man and the transition, all I could think about was the two girls. I knelt there for a few minutes, simply heart broken. These girls had been through so much. They deserved to be loved. Tears flowed down my face and I knew I needed to see if they found a placement.
I spent the next 2 hours on and off, talking with the caseworker, my mentor, and some of my friends, trying to decide what to do. These girls are going to be in foster care for a while....could I handle being a single parent to two kids and working a full-time job? I had about 12 hours to pray about it and really consider what I wanted to do. There was no one else that was even considering taking these girls in.
Time came the next day to give the caseworker an answer and I couldn't. It broke my heart that I didn't know what I was being called to do. I was telling the caseworker that and she could tell I was struggling. At one point during our conversation I was moved to tears....when she realized it she simply said, "Can I pray with you?" So she did. It was so powerful. I had to pull my car over and park because everything she was praying touched my heart.
In the end we came up with a plan - I would take the girls for two weeks and see how that goes. If it was to much there is another foster family that will take them, but they couldn't until then because they were out of the country.
18 hours after Little Man returned home I picked up the girls. Wow life was going to be so different. I had to figure out how I was going to get everyone to school, daycare, visitations, etc. All while working and having to cook dinner each night.
The girls have now been with me for a week and I am pretty sure I have averaged about 3-4 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted...mentally, physically, and emotionally. It didn't take me long to realize that I needed to be honest with myself and the caseworker. I could not be the long term placement.
While the caseworker completely understood, it was one of the hardest things I have had to admit in this process. I felt like a failure. I do truly care for these girls and they have definitely become used to me, but I know that I cannot give them all that they need.
This week, I will get to have the hard conversations with the girls and help them transition to the other house...I am praying this goes smoothly...
Foster care is not for everyone, I knew that I couldn't say yes to every phone call. And I knew that sometimes it wouldn't work out...but I know for a fact that God has called me to this. I know that. I know that I have an amazing support system who has helped me, held me while I cried, given me clothes and toys, and been there for me. I know that the next kid that comes in to my house will be a gift. I don't know when it will happen but until then I am going to rest.
Jennifer, your are so strong. It is so nice to hear that you are going to adoration and spending time with God to lean on Him, trust in Him, listen to Him. I will keep you and your fosterchildren (your babies in my eyes) in my prayers. Please keep blogging. I know God gives foster mom's THE STRONGEST HEARTS I have ever known, so for me it totally makes sense that this is your calling. I love you! I will always be praying for you, in word and song!
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