So Big/So Small

It was an October day...
When they dropped you off at my house
A bag of clothes and your teddy bear
The day it was suddenly real.

In 2015, a musical was performed on Broadway and it took the musical theater world by storm: "Dear Evan Hansen". If you haven't heard of it you should stop what you are doing (yes, even reading this) and head over to YouTube (https://youtu.be/h9rf5wFq3zk). Ok, now that we got that out of the way we can continue.

Dear Evan Hansen is the story of Evan, a high school student who struggles with anxiety. His counselor tells him to write a letter to himself. "Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day." He goes to school with the letter in his hand only to get it taken away by another student, Connor, who has many problems of his own. That morning when Connor and his mom, dad, and sister were all getting ready for school and he gets into an argument with his mom about going to school, all because he was high. The next day, Evan is called into the office at school only to see Conner's parents waiting there. Conner had committed suicide that night and the only thing found was this letter that read "Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day." Evan goes on to fabricate this entire friendship with Connor and in many ways becomes part of his family. He spends all of his time at their house and even goes on to date Connor's sister. I won't tell you how the rest of it goes because well I hope one day you can see it/listen to the soundtrack and find out for yourself. The music in this show is phenomenal. The songs range from a dad sharing a secret to breaking in a baseball glove, to a kid wanting to disappear. It is, simply put, amazing. Seriously listen to the soundtrack (after you finish reading this). I bet you will relate to at least one song, because we have all been there. We all want to be seen, just like Evan Hansen. But what draws me to Dear Evan Hansen lately, is Heidi Hansen.

Heidi is Evan's mom. She doesn't play a huge role in the entire show for many reasons but the main one being that she is a single mom. She has been raising a kid with many different social anxiety issues on her own, and working multiple jobs just to get by. She is doing everything she can for Evan. When she finds out what is going on she sings the song So Big/So Small (https://youtu.be/9vD2JBq0ns8)

It was a February Day
When your dad came by, before going away
A U-Haul truck in the driveway
The day it was suddenly real

I told you not to come outside
But you saw that truck
And you smiled so wide
A real live truck in your driveway
We let you sit behind the wheel

Goodbye, goodbye
Now it's just me and my little guy
And the house felt so big and I felt so small
The house felt so big and I felt so small

That night, I tucked you into bed
I will never forget how you sat up and said
"Is there another truck coming to our driveway?
A truck that will take mommy away"

And the house felt so big, and I felt so small
The house felt so big, and I
And I knew there would be moments that I'd miss
And I knew there would be space I couldn't fill
And I knew Id come up short a billion different ways
And I did
And I do
And I will

But like that February day
I will take your hand, squeeze it tightly and say
There's not another truck in the driveway

Your mom isn't going anywhere
Your mom is staying right here
Your mom isn't going anywhere
Your mom is staying right here
No matter what
I'll be here

When it all feels so big
'Til it all feels so small
When it all feels so big
'Til it all feels so small
'Til it all feels so small.

Now while I have never gone through a divorce, I have seen this scene play out pretty closely. Just think about it. It is 10 pm and you, a 4 year old, having been put to bed by your mom just a few hours before, are woken up and put in a car with a bag of clothes and your teddy bear. You are put in a car with a stranger only to be dropped off at midnight at another stranger's house. Yes, in Little Man's case he knew me from before, but again was midnight and he was four.

He remembers it. And yeah he asks me about it often. "When do I get to go home to Mommy's?" Or we can be driving somewhere and he sees a police car and says something like "the police brought me to you." This all feels so big for Little Man...and it should. I don't care how old you are, that would feel big.

I have come to realize that I will never be able to fix all of Little Man's problems. And in many ways that's not even my job. My job, as his foster mom, is simply to be there. Be there when all of those things feel so big that he has 10 potty accidents in one day--yes, ten. To be there when he punches a teacher because he is so overwhelmed at a new school. To be there when he wants to cuddle on the couch and watch PJ Masks even though I hate that show. My job is to be there, even when it all feels so big for him and be there for him when it all feels so small as well.

Foster Care is not easy. I will never tell you that it is. And often times it is me who feels small or like it is all so big and I just can't do it anymore. But then I look into Little Man's eyes and I know HE is why I was called to this. I don't care how many kids come to me because of Foster Care, right now he is why I am supposed to be doing this. Yes, I am a single parent and that is extremely difficult. He needs a male figure in his life, and I say that often. But then I look around and see my community and the father figures that he has because of it. They choose to be there for him just like I have and they love him so well. I have failed Little Man before, and I will do it again. But one thing is for sure...I am not going anywhere. No matter how big his feelings get, and no matter how small...I'll be there.

I think if I was tor re-write this song it would go something like this...

It was an October day
When they dropped you off at my house
A bag of clothes and your teddy bear
The day it was suddenly real.

I told you it would be ok
Then you saw your toys
And you wanted to play
A whole new room for you to play in

Hello, Hello
Now its just me and my little guy
And it all felt so big, and I felt so small
And it all felt so big, and I felt so small.

That night I tucked you into bed
I will never forget how you always ask
"When do I get to go home?
Back home to my Mom and Dad."

And it all feels so big, and I feel so small
It all feels so big, and I-
And I know there would be moments that I'd miss
And I know there would be space I couldn't fill
And I know I'd come up short a billion different ways
And I did
And I do
And I will

But just like the October day
I will take your hand, squeeze it tightly and say
No cop is coming to our driveway

Jennifer isn't going anywhere
Jennifer is staying right here
Jennifer isn't going anywhere
Jennifer is staying right here
No matter what
I'll be here

When it all feels so big
'Til it all feels so small
When it all feels so big
'Til it all feels so small
'Til it all feels so small.